Yesterday, I was going to take off and look for you in one of the other regions.
Let me back up a bit. At first I worried that I could happen to be blowing town the same day they decide to bring you back at Resurrectorium 1920-η. So I just cooled my jets. But the idea that you were out there and they wouldn’t tell me kept growing, and soon it was more than I could take. I tried to get a train ticket, but they said I didn’t have my Zoë’s permission to leave the region. I tried to hitch a ride, but none of the drivers of the carts headed toward the next region would give me a ride. No one would loan me a bike when I told them where I was going, and — remember what I said about it being easier not to do bad things? — I couldn’t bring myself to lie to borrow one or steal one from someone else, and I hadn’t earned enough yet to buy my own. So I set off walking toward Region 1819. There were no guard posts on the edge of town, no dogs, no patrols in the woods, nothing. But, I couldn’t leave town. I did that three times with the same result, and each time it spooked the shit out of me, because each time I ended up where I started. As I was walking, I would turn my head to see something out of the corner of my eye, then when I looked back, I appeared to be back in town again in a street I didn’t recognize.
Instead of calling it Region 1920 they should call it Möbius instead. I know you get that. It’s like a Twilight Zone episode.
Anyway, when I found I couldn’t leave town, I went to where my Zoë hangs out, the resurrectorium, and we had a scene right there.
“I have others to attend to. Please wait until tonight,” she said. “I’ll come by and talk to you.”
“I’m sick of this shit,” I said. Yes, we can still cuss. “Where is Helen?”
“Reese,” she said, “please don’t force me to have you confined to your home.”
I split. I walked for hours, but since I didn’t try leaving again, no spooky shit. I just walked. People saw the scowling face, and some of the Bios tried to talk to me. I mean, they’re all really nice people. Like being in church all the time. But I wasn’t ready to play “what’s the matter, brother?” so I went home. I didn’t want my Zoë trying to make me forget my anger. My anger was the only thing that felt normal right then. I went home, latched my door and barricaded it with a table and chairs. So I am just starting to forget how pissed I was at finding all roads lead to Möbius when my Zoë, Amber, sort of appeared in my living room.
“Hello, Reese” she says, as if I knew she was already in the room. The argument started again and went downhill from there. They won’t tell me where you are. They won’t even tell me why they won’t tell me. Telling me I’m not ready only makes things worse. It’s like failing a test and asking the instructor to see your paper so you can look at the marks and see what you missed only your instructor won’t let you see the paper and just says ‘study for the next test.’ It’s bullshit all the way down.
Okay. I’ve had some time to think. Amber is all right, I’m sure, with her other clients. I must drive her nuts. I’m sure she thinks I’ve got a one-track mind. She’d be right. But enough of my endless argument with Amber. I meant to start journaling earlier. Getting late, and I’m sleepy. I saw your face in a dream the other day, looking like you did the day we got married. I can’t wait to see you again, hug you again, kiss you again, make love to you. Like I always told you while we were together, you’re my heart in the world. That world is gone, and with it my heart. Until you come back to me, I live here without that part of my heart that you carried with you. I told you then I’d always love you. I wasn’t kidding. So where are you, my love? Where are you?